in this state; i wait, await .

(copyrighted image)

No reply

draw your dark world,
ink your icon illusion.
a hunt for value hurled;
depicting every delusion.

you turn to find noone here.
no sadist to bring you to life;
with earth eating at my ear.
this feelings becoming rife.

walk, talk to the trees.
hello, how do you do?
silence. it gets no ease;
no such expectation too.

supplying your own reply.
the hollowness in my eyes;
no homo sapien that I rely.
no greetings, no goodbyes.

canvas torture, yet to come,
I’ll make my own people run;
this person that I’ve become.
my talking trees block the sun.

this empty road, it cannot hold,
with existance far away, its sole.
wrapping round the spinal cold;
truth, youth - buried in a hole.

;[signed]

special, we're not .

from purple diary

this idea of afterlives, reincarnations, heaven and hell .
are we not like everything else around us-
live, and die, desintergrate into everything, nothing?

do we really think we're that special?

contemplating the hyperventilating .

(painted by Jenny Saville, copyrighted image)


Wallow.

feels like im falling asleep
under; in the sinking deep.

truck,
fuck.

ducking dreams of drooling,
suck-in the rubbery tooling;
you ain't fooling, no fooling.
the tempurature aint cooling.

hurt,
spurt.

hurt me, bruise me; am i awake?
am i mixed well into the cake bake?

pinch me, inch by inch; flinch me.
shake it off, take it on, the way it be.

state,
await.

yes, no? it hurts the crest of this chest;
and its forming your stung, dung nest.

swallow,
wallow.

its stressing me out, runt.
lost in a maze, haze; hunt.
this hiss, bliss; you be blunt.
stay away, turn; you shunt.

wither whether,
too tithe tether.

;[signed]

roof, aloof .

(copyrighted image)

Wry

to winder which where?
and hinder here there.

owing to this caught birth;
brought me to eating earth.

every single composition;
leads to decomposition.

souls coil, toil;
hearts to boil.

throw me offboard,
you know i belong.
throw me onboard,
you know i belong?

you don'know whatcha saying;
you don'know whatcha playing.

they said;
be ahead;
but i said;
dead bed.

so lingering waffled;
hurly-burly baffled.

wry the world down;
broke my own crown.

only to make choices?
i hear, i hear voices.

fear, it leers, near, near.
gears, fuck them seers.

i know hysteria, hysteria;
hear news from the stereo.

by then, i infact knew;
i lost to my-your crew.

;[signed]

boredom, my chronic disease .

Out of boredom, I put on my fright.

Out of boredom, I’ll put out my light.

can't chill? take pill .

(copyrighted image)

Rack.

painthrillers,
vainkillers.
depend on you.
turn to be true.

irking, why ain't it working?
behind so kind; you shirking?

you know not; strain pain,
but twinkle, wrinkle vain.

twinkle twinkle litte star,
how i wonder behind bars.
how i wonder what you are.
re-rising of a reflected scar;

i don't need a mirror;
don't want a shimmer.

its caught up in my back.
throw me out of the rack.

why does the dirt decompensate?
in my world with no concentrate.

it goes, it does; the beat.
no path, math; no retreat.

no using the matching mask;
betting on the boiling bask.
kinship chemicals in a flask;
swell, dwell. too much to ask?

astray it be;
there a she.
the decline;
crossing line.

its caught up in my back.
throw me out of the rack.

so stalking crooked;
bow to the wicked.

so snatched routine,
know knitted seam.

that hatching latch,
the crowing catch;

virgin watching,
ground patching.

its blowing,
no flowing.

and he'll huff and he'll puff -
and he'll blow the house down
and he'll muff and he'll duff -
and he'll be his own body clown.

clawing its way to every breath,
staining hands like Lady Macbeth.

it happened to me,
to me, me; losing lee.

so, whos karma did i get now?
mine? ugly duckling somehow.

and disability's stability;
to fed forsaken facility.

;[signed]

poof, and it's gone .

i was looking for something to spray red.
more specifically- had to be white .
preferably .. thin, layered .
it would look like a light wound, soaking up the blood .
hopefuls .

or else, like period gone awry .
smears and stains, humiliation, oh my .
it pained us all, it pained us all.

i looked and i looked, couldn't find
any fucking white .
no . fucking . whites .

i don't even have any fucking white underwear anymore, it seems .
and you wonder where your childhood went .

i continued by putting on a sheer black shirt,
but as usual the fat blocked my view .
so oddly shaped;
as usual, i wouldn't wanna say i, so much easier to say 'we'.
never alone, never alone .
oh fucking well .
the camera captured my tragedy .

i wanted to have something to half burn up,
something to stain stain stain .
but i had no more whites,
and my clothes already mouth ciggies,
grinning .

grin grin, reminiscing .
on the sin sin .

/i am mary's pulsating vagina;
blood, blood, fucking flood .